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Devil's Advocates: Merchant of death
13/10/10 || Trauma
I had two previous drafts of this review done across about two months. They both were getting into the “TLDR” territory even though I thought I brought up some pretty good points about this certain brand of metal coming out of the Land O’ Lakes. Well, let’s just say that rather than keep going on and on about how this band just isn’t quite cutting it, I’ll do the cutting and cut right to the chase. (Wow, just fucken shoot me if you wish)
Devil’s Advocates hail from Finland, not Minnesota, and I previously wrote that they were competent, but that didn’t exactly translate into success in the listening department. And there we go. Fin. Finito. Stick a penis in me and call me done. Or Betty. Stop reading right here and go ahead and look at the score, because I just finished this review early (You’re welcome, I know you don’t read my shit anyways you ungrateful pieces of cum-guzzling shitheads).
This turned out to be one of the harder reviews for me to write in a hell of a long time. Harder than some Iron Maiden clone I wrote about almost exactly one year ago. Competent to the point of being mediocre at being listenable. These guys are somewhat death metal and somewhat okay, but a whole lot of “Next…” For that very reason I’m not too thrilled that I’m even spending this many words on this group of guys. Take 1 1/2 of my “Highway to hell” reviews and that’s about how much I wrote for this band/album before this current edition. Too much? Sure. I did have some cool anecdotes even bringing some fine porno into the mix. Tori Black, specifically. I’d love to tongue-punch her fart box. Give her a nice K.O. right in the winker.
Then have her ride me like the wild stallion I am, except she’d be doing all the bucking and neighing. A couple smacks on those cheeks, then right back to the tongue-punching. If I was feeling extra adventurous I’d let her reciprocate with the lingua-fundament. But that’s gay. I’m so hetero I make Proposition 8 blush and Mormons feel gay.
Look, your money would probably be better spent paying for a subscription to a porno-site. And we all know how much of a rip-off that is.
- Information
- Released: 2010
- Label: None
- Website: Devil’s Advocates MySpace
- Band
- Jani Juppi: vocals
- Perttu Peltonen: guitar
- Tomi Lappalainen: guitar
- Tuure Peltonen: bass
- Ville Karppinen: drums
- Tracklist
- 01. Disgusted (by your faith)
- 02. Bridgeburner
- 03. The violent way
- 04. Visions for no man to see
- 05. Feast for the chrisitian flesh
- 06. Must go down
- 07. Thermonuclear
- 08. Merchant of death
